I'm not sure where to even start with all the thoughts and emotions that have been wrestling around in my head and heart these past few weeks. The outward things are going very well, as far as Charlie's wound healing, regaining strength after surgery, etc. The focus seems to now be turning to the emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.
Maybe I can chalk it up to having been blessed with a life that has for the most part been lacking in hardships and trials, or maybe my faith has been stronger than I would have guessed, but until last week I've never found myself asking "Why?" or "Why me?". But that is the essence of the question that I could not escape as I was in the car alone, driving home from an errand. I don't remember what train of thought my mind was tracking at the moment, but completely unexpectedly I found myself feeling a very intense anger toward this cancer that had made its unwelcome presence known in our lives those few short months ago. Then I was asking God, "Why did this have to come to us?"
The anger and questioning didn't last long, but I haven't been able to ignore the subsequent questions they have raised. Is it pride that makes me feel we are undeserving of facing a challenge in our lives? Do I/we possess the endurance in our faith to keep relying on God during the long process of recovery we will be going through? I continue to remind myself of truths that give the answers I need to hear. Yes, our current situation may seem unfair, but God never promised "fair". He promised Himself, His presence, His love, His strength in my weakness. How do I dare to compare our frustrations or worries with the suffering Jesus took upon Himself? Will I ever get to a point of maturity where I can without hesitation place a higher value on eternal/spiritual life than the physical/temporary life that routinely grabs for most of my energy?
As we move into the ongoing phase of restoring Charlie as much as possible to his pre-surgery self, we are becoming acutely aware that it will be a much longer and more difficult process than we had allowed ourselves to think about ahead of time. And even more sobering, there is a pretty good likelihood that he won't be completely restored in every way. Over the months ahead, we will probably keep pondering the kinds of thoughts I had last week, and I'm also sure new doubts and questions will pop up at random times when we least expect them.
We continue to ask for your prayers, even though they may start to take on a slightly different tone because they are shifting toward a more intangible target. May God give each of us the discernment to know how He's leading us to pray and the assurance that He will hear and answer.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Getting Back to Normal
It seems Monday and Tuesday have set the pattern for what our new normal will look like, at least for the short term. Charlie got up this morning and dressed for work, had a bite of breakfast (his old routine was to drink a protein shake of some sort after a workout at the gym), and went to the Harper office for a few hours. He definitely doesn't have his former stamina back yet, because those few hours were followed by lunch at home and the requisite rest period. He was pleased today to be able to postpone the nap until finishing up some paperwork he had brought home. Almost every evening since that first week home from the hospital, he has been taking a walk outside in the fresh air, which has lately been becoming pleasantly cool after the sun goes down. At first, one of the kids or I would go with him, because he needed a steadying arm to finish the trek slightly uphill on the driveway, but he has been able to take Scout as his walking buddy these past few nights instead.
Cole went back to school on Monday after a weekend of constant reminders from me to take it easy and do sedentary activities for a change. Easier said than done. He has also stayed after school both days so far for football practice, although he is doing more standing around than anything. He told us today he practiced long snaps. However, I certainly don't envision my 5' 3", 106-pounder taking the field as a center anytime soon. :) The trainers and coaches have told him he can return to conditioning drills as soon as he has been cleared by a physician, so we're hoping to get the OK next week. Then we'll play it by ear as to whether he will get back into pads and a helmet this season or not. (Secretly, I hope for "not", but we'll let a neurologist render a professional opinion to help us make the best decision.)
We continue to keep at the front of our minds an attitude of gratitude that Charlie's surgery was successful in removing the cancer. The little bumps we encounter on the road to recovery are just that -- little bumps. We have been taught these past few weeks many lessons on how to love on people in crisis, and already God is giving us opportunities to put what we've learned into practice.
Cole went back to school on Monday after a weekend of constant reminders from me to take it easy and do sedentary activities for a change. Easier said than done. He has also stayed after school both days so far for football practice, although he is doing more standing around than anything. He told us today he practiced long snaps. However, I certainly don't envision my 5' 3", 106-pounder taking the field as a center anytime soon. :) The trainers and coaches have told him he can return to conditioning drills as soon as he has been cleared by a physician, so we're hoping to get the OK next week. Then we'll play it by ear as to whether he will get back into pads and a helmet this season or not. (Secretly, I hope for "not", but we'll let a neurologist render a professional opinion to help us make the best decision.)
We continue to keep at the front of our minds an attitude of gratitude that Charlie's surgery was successful in removing the cancer. The little bumps we encounter on the road to recovery are just that -- little bumps. We have been taught these past few weeks many lessons on how to love on people in crisis, and already God is giving us opportunities to put what we've learned into practice.
Friday, September 10, 2010
The Longest Day (and longest post?)
It's a Friday evening in September, and under normal circumstances we would be somewhere in the vicinity of John Carlisle Stadium either helping serve the best chili dogs in the Upstate or cheering on the football Eagles. Tonight is different.
Yesterday began like almost every other school day... racing around to get ready then dropping off kids at school. But it ended way too many hours later, having been filled with more ups and downs than the average family experiences in a week, let alone one 24-hour day. Rather than a running narrative that would be so long it would probably invoke some sort of google-blogger overload warning, I'll just highlight some of the day's events.
The ER staff worked hard to rule out anything more serious than a routine concussion. They performed a head CT, x-rays of chest, C-spine, T-spine, and L-spine, blood work, EKG, and urine screen. All the tests were negative -- this time, the word we wanted to hear! But it took several hours for Cole to really start to be himself again. Finally, at nearly 4:00 a.m., he was deemed ready to be discharged with the expected precaution to not participate in any contact sport for 4 to 6 weeks. That topic has been passionately debated from both sides around here this afternoon, but age and wisdom will rule the day, and his 2010 football season is likely over.
While I was sitting bedside in the cramped little #5 exam room, coaches, parents, and at least one teammate were holding vigil for Cole in a nearby family waiting room. This was provided by the staff-family liaison who "just so happened" to be the mom of one of our former 1st graders, and as of a few months ago a neighbor just down the street. How does God manage to orchestrate details like this time after time? We began the flow of visitors into the room one by one as midnight was giving way to the wee morning hours, and one parent shared something that needs to be repeated.
Flash back to the stadium. As Cole's condition was quickly deteriorating on the sidelines, word spread up and down the bench, and his teammates became very concerned. The sweetest moment took place as the EMTs moved his stretcher toward the ambulance and the players crowded around calling out "We love you, Cole!" As the doors were shut, the players huddled up and spoke a quick prayer for their teammate before going back out on the field. Hearing that story meant so much to us.
One more quick detail, if you've hung in there with me this far. At some point along the way I got a semi-frantic phone call from Charlie at home telling me the catheter had just fallen out! Go figure. Why it wouldn't budge in the doctor's office and what suddenly caused it to give way is a mystery, but the good news is he's now free from the cath and ready to get moving around again! So both patients bouncing back and on the way to being good as new. Ahh, thank you, Lord.
Yesterday began like almost every other school day... racing around to get ready then dropping off kids at school. But it ended way too many hours later, having been filled with more ups and downs than the average family experiences in a week, let alone one 24-hour day. Rather than a running narrative that would be so long it would probably invoke some sort of google-blogger overload warning, I'll just highlight some of the day's events.
- Smooth drive to Duke for postop visist with surgeon (light traffic on a beautiful, sunny day).
- Yummy food and engaging lunch conversation with Cay, Holly, and Riley.
- Reunion with two of the "Waiting Room Posse" (Steve & Judy were present to support and pray for us while we spoke to the surgeon).
- Great news from pathology report that all cancer was contained within the prostate gland and no malignancy present in any of the other specimens (bladder, seminal vesicles, lymph tissues)!!
This is the news we were praying for, and now we start a routine schedule of PSA tests to confirm the surgical/pathological findings. We'll be looking for a big, fat goose egg of ZERO at each PSA. - Negative cystogram (basically a dye-contrasted x-ray of the bladder) to show no leakage of fluid before removing the catheter.
- A "stuck" catheter -- the first hurdle of the day. No logical explanation from the surgeon (as in "This never happens") and really nothing that can be done except start practicing patience. In Charlie's words, "It is what it is." A disappointment, but nothing that blurs the big picture.
- Smooth return trip to Greenville, including a rare treat of a snack from KFC (we so seldom have fried foods now, our stomachs almost didn't know how to take it in!).
- Launch of the stream of phone calls from other parents watching Cole's C-team football game to let us know he may have been injured. Escalation of the messages being relayed, followed by a prayer-filled dash downtown to meet an ambulance at Children's Emergency Room.
The ER staff worked hard to rule out anything more serious than a routine concussion. They performed a head CT, x-rays of chest, C-spine, T-spine, and L-spine, blood work, EKG, and urine screen. All the tests were negative -- this time, the word we wanted to hear! But it took several hours for Cole to really start to be himself again. Finally, at nearly 4:00 a.m., he was deemed ready to be discharged with the expected precaution to not participate in any contact sport for 4 to 6 weeks. That topic has been passionately debated from both sides around here this afternoon, but age and wisdom will rule the day, and his 2010 football season is likely over.
While I was sitting bedside in the cramped little #5 exam room, coaches, parents, and at least one teammate were holding vigil for Cole in a nearby family waiting room. This was provided by the staff-family liaison who "just so happened" to be the mom of one of our former 1st graders, and as of a few months ago a neighbor just down the street. How does God manage to orchestrate details like this time after time? We began the flow of visitors into the room one by one as midnight was giving way to the wee morning hours, and one parent shared something that needs to be repeated.
Flash back to the stadium. As Cole's condition was quickly deteriorating on the sidelines, word spread up and down the bench, and his teammates became very concerned. The sweetest moment took place as the EMTs moved his stretcher toward the ambulance and the players crowded around calling out "We love you, Cole!" As the doors were shut, the players huddled up and spoke a quick prayer for their teammate before going back out on the field. Hearing that story meant so much to us.
One more quick detail, if you've hung in there with me this far. At some point along the way I got a semi-frantic phone call from Charlie at home telling me the catheter had just fallen out! Go figure. Why it wouldn't budge in the doctor's office and what suddenly caused it to give way is a mystery, but the good news is he's now free from the cath and ready to get moving around again! So both patients bouncing back and on the way to being good as new. Ahh, thank you, Lord.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Anyone Free For Lunch?
For anyone in the Triangle, Charlie's recheck with his surgeon is tomorrow, Thursday, September 9. We'd love to meet you for lunch, if your schedule permits an outing to Durham.
Holly gave us the scoop on a really yummy pasta place just a block or two down from the hospital on Erwin Road. My friend, Kathy, and I walked there on the evening of surgery for a quick meal, and it was delicious! The restaurant is Noodles & Co. (2608 Erwin Road, Durham), and we're planning to get there in the 11:30/11:45 time frame to get a bite before our 1:15 appointment. If you've never eaten there, here's a preview of their menu.
Please don't make big schedule changes, but if it's easy to fit into your routine we would enjoy catching up with you. And I guess we may need to apologize in advance if we seem a little "off" when we see you. I know we'll both be nervous knowing we are about to find out what the pathology results are and what they spell for the future as far as prognosis, additional treatment, etc.
Please leave a comment if you want to meet us tomorrow so we'll know to be watching for you.
Holly gave us the scoop on a really yummy pasta place just a block or two down from the hospital on Erwin Road. My friend, Kathy, and I walked there on the evening of surgery for a quick meal, and it was delicious! The restaurant is Noodles & Co. (2608 Erwin Road, Durham), and we're planning to get there in the 11:30/11:45 time frame to get a bite before our 1:15 appointment. If you've never eaten there, here's a preview of their menu.
Please don't make big schedule changes, but if it's easy to fit into your routine we would enjoy catching up with you. And I guess we may need to apologize in advance if we seem a little "off" when we see you. I know we'll both be nervous knowing we are about to find out what the pathology results are and what they spell for the future as far as prognosis, additional treatment, etc.
Please leave a comment if you want to meet us tomorrow so we'll know to be watching for you.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Just So You Know
What a fun time the twins and I had at the Sugar Creek Youth Triathlon to kick off our Labor Day morning. It was hard to tell who had more fun -- me spectating or them competing -- but it was a great event and I will include a couple of pictures in a later post.
It is the wonderful random meetings with so many sweet friends this morning that prompts me to give a few details as we move into a new week. We will travel back to Durham for Charlie's follow-up appointment with the surgeon this Thursday, September 9. Our expectations for the visit are that the staples will be removed from his belly, and he will be left with a stunning, trend-setting vertical railroad. I guess it's too bad swim season is over; he could have really turned some heads with that scar! We will also bid a fond farewell to the catheter he has been using. We will not miss that house guest one bit.
The part of the appointment we are probably anticipating the most is the pathology review. All of the surgical specimens that were sent for testing and review should be available by this time, and we will be told with near certainty whether any cancer had spread beyond the prostate and thus whether further treatment will be necessary. We will definitely share that news as soon as possible. We continue to ask for your prayers, and we give all glory to God for how He has lovingly, abundantly provided so far.
It is the wonderful random meetings with so many sweet friends this morning that prompts me to give a few details as we move into a new week. We will travel back to Durham for Charlie's follow-up appointment with the surgeon this Thursday, September 9. Our expectations for the visit are that the staples will be removed from his belly, and he will be left with a stunning, trend-setting vertical railroad. I guess it's too bad swim season is over; he could have really turned some heads with that scar! We will also bid a fond farewell to the catheter he has been using. We will not miss that house guest one bit.
The part of the appointment we are probably anticipating the most is the pathology review. All of the surgical specimens that were sent for testing and review should be available by this time, and we will be told with near certainty whether any cancer had spread beyond the prostate and thus whether further treatment will be necessary. We will definitely share that news as soon as possible. We continue to ask for your prayers, and we give all glory to God for how He has lovingly, abundantly provided so far.
Friday, September 3, 2010
All Rest, No Play, Wears a Fella Out!
It was torture for Charlie not to be occupying a seat in the bleachers -- the very sunny, hot bleachers -- at Blue Ridge last night for the Eastside C-Team game versus the Tigers. Cole has been dressing out for varsity games but only getting to play a half dozen or so downs each time. So, to be a starting cornerback (and defensive captain) and play nearly the entire game was a confidence-building treat for him! The Eagles lost, but it was a personal win for Cole with one fumble recovery and several tackles. He's #24 in the picture below.
Today, I decided we were ready for a field trip out of the house, so we went to Schlotzsky's for lunch. We were able to enjoy our meal (including about 1/3 of Charlie's pizza in a take-home box for later... on what planet does Charlie leave leftovers from a meal?!) and the drive to and from the restaurant without incident ...
... but the outing left him flat worn out! No wonder he took a such long, sound nap after we got home.
The many (countless, really) ways you have reached out to us have been incredible! I haven't prepared a meal other than breakfast since we arrived home last Friday, including the ample portions we have warmed for lunch each day. The sweet notes and cards that have flooded our mailbox have evoked fresh smiles each day. And the substitute chauffeur duties performed by several neighbor moms have been a welcome relief during times of day when it was just hard to get away from the other pressing needs at home. Thank you to each one of you who have met a tangible need, as well as the many more who are continuing to pray. You are each one a blessing.
Today, I decided we were ready for a field trip out of the house, so we went to Schlotzsky's for lunch. We were able to enjoy our meal (including about 1/3 of Charlie's pizza in a take-home box for later... on what planet does Charlie leave leftovers from a meal?!) and the drive to and from the restaurant without incident ...
... but the outing left him flat worn out! No wonder he took a such long, sound nap after we got home.
The many (countless, really) ways you have reached out to us have been incredible! I haven't prepared a meal other than breakfast since we arrived home last Friday, including the ample portions we have warmed for lunch each day. The sweet notes and cards that have flooded our mailbox have evoked fresh smiles each day. And the substitute chauffeur duties performed by several neighbor moms have been a welcome relief during times of day when it was just hard to get away from the other pressing needs at home. Thank you to each one of you who have met a tangible need, as well as the many more who are continuing to pray. You are each one a blessing.
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