A Whole Lotta Thinkin' Goin' On

I'm not sure where to even start with all the thoughts and emotions that have been wrestling around in my head and heart these past few weeks. The outward things are going very well, as far as Charlie's wound healing, regaining strength after surgery, etc. The focus seems to now be turning to the emotional and spiritual aspects of recovery.

Maybe I can chalk it up to having been blessed with a life that has for the most part been lacking in hardships and trials, or maybe my faith has been stronger than I would have guessed, but until last week I've never found myself asking "Why?" or "Why me?". But that is the essence of the question that I could not escape as I was in the car alone, driving home from an errand. I don't remember what train of thought my mind was tracking at the moment, but completely unexpectedly I found myself feeling a very intense anger toward this cancer that had made its unwelcome presence known in our lives those few short months ago. Then I was asking God, "Why did this have to come to us?"

The anger and questioning didn't last long, but I haven't been able to ignore the subsequent questions they have raised. Is it pride that makes me feel we are undeserving of facing a challenge in our lives? Do I/we possess the endurance in our faith to keep relying on God during the long process of recovery we will be going through? I continue to remind myself of truths that give the answers I need to hear. Yes, our current situation may seem unfair, but God never promised "fair". He promised Himself, His presence, His love, His strength in my weakness. How do I dare to compare our frustrations or worries with the suffering Jesus took upon Himself? Will I ever get to a point of maturity where I can without hesitation place a higher value on eternal/spiritual life than the physical/temporary life that routinely grabs for most of my energy?

As we move into the ongoing phase of restoring Charlie as much as possible to his pre-surgery self, we are becoming acutely aware that it will be a much longer and more difficult process than we had allowed ourselves to think about ahead of time. And even more sobering, there is a pretty good likelihood that he won't be completely restored in every way. Over the months ahead, we will probably keep pondering the kinds of thoughts I had last week, and I'm also sure new doubts and questions will pop up at random times when we least expect them.

We continue to ask for your prayers, even though they may start to take on a slightly different tone because they are shifting toward a more intangible target. May God give each of us the discernment to know how He's leading us to pray and the assurance that He will hear and answer.